Saving You
by Xxlotti-waxX
Summary: It might seem like they are destined to always end up on opposite sides, but for now, Mysterion and the Coon will do their best to save each other. Chapter One takes place directly after Mysterion Rises, Chapter Two during Coon vs Coon and Friends.
1. Saving You From Yourself

Saving You

He's been waiting all evening for him to turn up, so when Cartman (sorry, the _Coon_) scrapes his stupid metal nails down the glass of his bedroom window with an ear-splitting _screech_, Kenny lets him in, no questions asked.

"What. The FUCK. Are you doing, Kenneh?" he yells as soon as he's inside, not bothering to keep his voice down. It doesn't matter anyway – Kenny knows his parents are either drunk or high right now, and they probably wouldn't even notice the fat kid in a stupid raccoon costume in his room, even though he's making enough noise to raise the dead.

"I'm not doing anything, Eric" Kenny replies calmly, and even though his voice is muffled by the orange hood of his old parka, he knows Cartman will understand him.

Of course, by 'understand', he means Cartman will understand the words, because he's certainly not comprehending the idea behind them.

"Then what's with all this Mysterion bullshit, huh? Are you doing this _just_ to piss me off?" he asks, aggravated.

Kenny sighs.

"If this is about you getting kicked out of Coon & Friends, that was a group decision, and I-"

"I'm not talking about that, moron! I always knew you guys were assholes, especially Kahl... he'll get what's coming to him soon anyway. What I'm talking about is the fact that you're trying to get yourself killed!"

"... huh?"

"I was following your group of super-douches, and I saw you get stabbed by that creepy cult dude!"

"You saw that?"

"What the hell were you even thinking?"

"You _remember_ it?"

"You weren't even _trying_ to fight back!"

"You knew I was dead?"

"You died dude. You fucking _died_."

Kenny blinks at him, slowly. His head suddenly feels heavy.

"I die. All the time. But you're the first one to notice" he says finally.

"I've always known" Cartman replies. "I thought _you_ were the one that didn't notice. You always acted like nothing happened. That's why I didn't want to bring it up."

A long pause followed.

"What I want to know," Cartman says, finally breaking the silence, "is why you thought up this retarded Mysterion idea in the first place. Was it just to spite me?"

Kenny ducks his head slightly, embarrassed. "No" he mumbles. "I wanted to help you."

"You what?"

"When I realised you were the Coon, I wanted to help you. But then you told me you wanted to work alone, so I..."

"Acted like a total dick to me, yes" Cartman finishes.

"Dude, you act like a dick 24/7. I should be allowed to return the favour at least once"

"Hey, fuck you Kenneh! I only came here to see if you finally kicked the bucket yet, but I guess you're okay, so I'm heading back to my NEW BEST FRIEND, Cthulhu! Screw you guys, I'm going home!"

And with that, Cartman leaps out of the window (clumsily) and disappears into the night.

Kenny watches him leave. His chest aches weirdly, and his eyes are watery, and he doesn't know why.

_He's going to do something stupid now_, he thinks, still staring at the now silent street.

_And every time he does something stupid, I end up paying for it. But maybe that's why... I take the fall for him so he doesn't get hurt. That's why I became Mysterion. To save you from yourself. _


	2. Saving You From Your Own Stupidity

Saving You (From Your Own Stupidity)

"K-Kenneh?" I _hate_ the way my voice sounds right now, all squeaky and unsure.

"You little fucking prick! What the fuck is wrong with you?" he yells, shoving me so hard that I involuntarily take a step backwards. "What kind of sick fuck does that to his friends?"

"It's not my fault you guys decided to turn evil, Kenneh!" I reply. Yeah, it's a pretty shitty excuse, but I'm always hoping that if I believe in my own lies enough, other people will too.

"You are the bad guy, Fatboy! YOU!" he yells, pointing a finger accusingly in my direction and I'm suddenly pissed off and ready to burst into tears at the same time. He's somehow managed to voice all of my insecurities, put my hidden shame into words.

"I'm going around making the world a better place!" I scream.

"FOR YOU!" he yells back. "You're making it a better place FOR YOU!"

This is the kind of argument only best friends can have, a heated brawl full of shouting, and shoving, and bringing up things we'll both regret we said tomorrow. But at the moment, I don't care, because right now, I'm so angry I could literally kill the little bastard.

"Right, that's what superheroes _do_" I say, slowly and calmly, trying to get him to understand.

"No, _this_ is what superheroes do" he replies, pushing me aside and walking up to Cthulhu.

_Shit._

"You banished me, but I'm back!" he yells. "What does that make me?"

Cthulhu turns slowly and fixes him with a yellow-eyed glare.

"Bring back my friends! Take me!"

Oh _shit. Shit. SHIT._

He _can't_ be stupid enough to sacrifice himself for those assholes.

"Mysterion, no!" some kid yells. "What are you doing?" It's that faggot, Bradley. Mintberry Crunch from the _former_ Coon & Friends.

"Only an immortal can kill another immortal! Here's your prize! Take this curse away from me, you big pussy!"

He _can_.

Oh god_dammit_, I know he hates this power he has, but does he really want to die that badly?

"Don't listen to him, Cthulhu. We have more important stuff to do" I say, trying to divert his attention away from Kenny. Even if I'm pissed as all hell at him right now, I _can_'_t_ let him kill himself forever.

As hard as it is for me to admit it... he's the only one I consider to be my friend. So I'll save him.

Of course, being the ungrateful bastard that he is, he doesn't _want_ me trying to save him right now.

"C'mon! Kill me before I kill you! But bring my friends back, wuss!"

Cthulhu tilts his head to one side, considering it.

God. Fucking. Damn it. I will NOT let him die, _especially_ while trying to save those assholes. Kenny's worth ten of Stan and Kyle.

What's more, those fuckers won't even appreciate it. If Kenny dies right now to save their worthless asses, they won't even remember it happening. They'll forget him, like they always do.

"Cthulhu, you are a Coon friend, and I am the Coon! You will listen to me!" I scream desperately, my voice breaking slightly. I just hope to God Kenny doesn't notice.

And then Cthulhu fucking shakes his head at me.

I pull my stupid "cutesy kitty" routine, not giving a fuck for my own dignity or safety, and finally, _finally_, the bitch gives in, and turns back to wreaking destruction on the stupid hippies at Burning Man.

And I'm more relieved than I should be.

_You can't die, Kenny. I won't allow it. _

_I'll save you from your own stupidity. _


End file.
